first off, i want to talk about shame, and importantly, how a lack of shame is probably not a great thing. so, with that in mind, realize the irony and even hypocricy is glaringly obvious to me as i post this in a public, open journal of all my stupid thoughts where im basically exercising a lack of shame on a hopefully daily basis. i dont have any answers, but what i do know i have is an abundance of shame. embarrasment, insecurity, fear of judgement, desire to fit in, to measure up, to be seen as worthy or important, these are all things i associate with when i say "shame." when i started even writting this thing, it was a challenge to myself of these ideas of shame, to be honest, open, transparent and fearless. probably no one will read it, but its out there. even the title i chose, looking back, is shameful, poking fun at myself in a way that i am all but telling you, the reader, that this practice is self indulgent.
moving on. at the surface, shame is simple, the desire to cover our bodies, hide our flaws, present our best self. It exists, whether given to us by our creator or being honed to a skill over centuries of human experiment. as a tool, what purpose does it serve? for me, shame can trick me into losing weight, eating better, speaking in a more kind way. it is a tool i use to hold back my flaws and present a version of myself that i expect others want to see. it is beneficial, it works. at least at face value, i do not want to be perceived as what i disagree with. shame makes me accountable for my words. if i say outwardly that this movie sucks, the popcorn is stale and the theater has herpes, i am signing a contract that says i will never go back. if you see me in 2 weeks time at the same movie theater, you will no doubt ask what am i doing there. i will be embarassed, i will be ashamed that i either, 1.) did not have the strength of conviction to stay away, or 2.) over-reacted emotionally in the first place by saying things i did not intend to follow through with.
either way, im not going back. shame, with practice, will keep us from saying things we dont really mean, and following through when we do.
i didnt get into lack of shame which is kinda what has been on my mind with people i've haad to deal with, the people that unload all thier problems and wear thier failures as a badge of honor. i get it, theres something to be said for acceptance, honesty, and finding community with people who share the same struggle, at some point though, dont you want your name to be associated with something great?
moving on. at the surface, shame is simple, the desire to cover our bodies, hide our flaws, present our best self. It exists, whether given to us by our creator or being honed to a skill over centuries of human experiment. as a tool, what purpose does it serve? for me, shame can trick me into losing weight, eating better, speaking in a more kind way. it is a tool i use to hold back my flaws and present a version of myself that i expect others want to see. it is beneficial, it works. at least at face value, i do not want to be perceived as what i disagree with. shame makes me accountable for my words. if i say outwardly that this movie sucks, the popcorn is stale and the theater has herpes, i am signing a contract that says i will never go back. if you see me in 2 weeks time at the same movie theater, you will no doubt ask what am i doing there. i will be embarassed, i will be ashamed that i either, 1.) did not have the strength of conviction to stay away, or 2.) over-reacted emotionally in the first place by saying things i did not intend to follow through with.
either way, im not going back. shame, with practice, will keep us from saying things we dont really mean, and following through when we do.
i didnt get into lack of shame which is kinda what has been on my mind with people i've haad to deal with, the people that unload all thier problems and wear thier failures as a badge of honor. i get it, theres something to be said for acceptance, honesty, and finding community with people who share the same struggle, at some point though, dont you want your name to be associated with something great?
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