theShawnDavis

memories are feelings we are either running to, or running from.  i cant paint a picture with my mind.  i can not put myself in a time or place and relive it accuratly enough to recreat the experience of being there.  

if i have a good memory, a happy, joyful, or exciting time i like am reflecting on, i am remembering how good it felt.  i want to feel that feeling.  its chasing a high in a way.  its unattainable, to a degree.  it is hard to remember a positive experience and "re-feel" what it was like to be in that moment.  for me it is hard to even think right now of a happy time and try to go back as a thought experiment as i am writing this.  amusement parks keep coming to mind, but the thoughts are so vague.  it is far easier to look back on negative time, for lack of a better word.  

if i think of the time we put our family dog down, if i focus.  i can bring back the tears.  i cant tell you how old i was or what my sister was wearing, or what car we transported our dog to the veterinarian in, but i can have the same real tears, without really much effort.  it is easier for me, to look back on a fond memory, and have a negative (not a good word) response than it is to create the joyful one i may have had in the actuall moment.  i cant look back from present, and create tears of longing, or self pity, that i am not as happy as i was then.  i cant tell myself i will never be that happy again, and cry for that.  i am not implying that life is sad, and there is no joy left, but to idealize the past is naturual, i am recognizing that for me, at least, i can much easier conjure a sad emotion when reflecting on the past than a happy one, even if the memory itself is positive.  

this is stupid and i am a bumbling fake philosphical phraud.  embarrasing