on my way to work i was worrying what people might think if they read the words i type here. would they laugh at my thoughts, perceive me as weak? would the words in these pages be gone over with a fine tooth comb at some point, and be used against me? It seems silly at this point to even ponder, much less worry that someone might actually read this, and a week in, as far as i can tell, no one has. im the last few entries i like the ideas i have but once i start writing i get through one or two points and then i feel like the subject is already boring, usually before even getting to the part i had rehearsed in the shower earlier in the day.
i was talking about addictive habits in my life and i think im addicted to routine or something. work days are all identical. wake up, yoga, pack the same lunch, say the same prayer, stop and get the same breakfast sandwhich on the way to work. Drive home, cardio exercise, shower, make food while hair dries, get on the scale. eat. this is where i must now i add "blog" or maybe "journal." then, 25-40 minutes of tv with the wife, and in bed listening to an audiobook or storytelling type podcast until sleep comes. rinse, repeat, non work days have all but one of those components, with less free time than id like to admit.
the point is, my inclination is to say i like it like that. to have my days structured just so. i think if i really got to the root of things, i'd again find that sticking to something that seems to be working is a lot less scary than the alternative. dont get me wrong, life sucks, but ive seen it waaaaayyyyyy worse. the problem is, if i skip one of the steps, and "skip" isnt even the right word, because i DO NOT just decide to skip on whim, it throws my whole mood off. i get scared that its the first slip that send me tumbling down the mountain. that if i skip a workout, i'll look back and use that as an excuse later on. the strict routine is freedom, and bondage. good and bad, yin and yang. i am comforted by predictability, but driven mad for lack of excitement.
i was talking about addictive habits in my life and i think im addicted to routine or something. work days are all identical. wake up, yoga, pack the same lunch, say the same prayer, stop and get the same breakfast sandwhich on the way to work. Drive home, cardio exercise, shower, make food while hair dries, get on the scale. eat. this is where i must now i add "blog" or maybe "journal." then, 25-40 minutes of tv with the wife, and in bed listening to an audiobook or storytelling type podcast until sleep comes. rinse, repeat, non work days have all but one of those components, with less free time than id like to admit.
the point is, my inclination is to say i like it like that. to have my days structured just so. i think if i really got to the root of things, i'd again find that sticking to something that seems to be working is a lot less scary than the alternative. dont get me wrong, life sucks, but ive seen it waaaaayyyyyy worse. the problem is, if i skip one of the steps, and "skip" isnt even the right word, because i DO NOT just decide to skip on whim, it throws my whole mood off. i get scared that its the first slip that send me tumbling down the mountain. that if i skip a workout, i'll look back and use that as an excuse later on. the strict routine is freedom, and bondage. good and bad, yin and yang. i am comforted by predictability, but driven mad for lack of excitement.
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