have you ever had someone say or do something so stupid that it makes you question if YOU'RE the idiot? something so collosaly retarded that it stops you in your tracks?  that happens to me at work.  often.  i dont know if im being too introspective and self depricating but i honestly think that maybe im an idiot.  thats the common denominator.  like im in some bizzaro world where we speak the same words, but its a different language.  is that some people say such dumb stuff that it catches me on my heels, or am i just too stupid to understand what the heck they are talking about.  its really hard not to swear writing this, fyi. sometimes i think of it on the flipside, like, these people must think so poorly of me that they actually believe i'm going to buy this crap they are saying?  what kind of vibe am i putting out? do i really seem that stinking dumb that you think ill just go along with your stupid plan?  i honestly spend a good port...

i had an egg with two yolks in it with my dinner tonight.  it was kinda gross and made me think about how it woulda been twins if it was fertilized and hatched.  i understand eggs are tottally ethical as far as hens are going to lay them regardless of if we eat them or not and if they are fertilized, but something about the two yolks got me thinking of them in a more real way than i have before.  i didnt feel guilty.  i didnt feel like i killed a baby, well two i suppose.  but it was a reminder that animals as food are unique.  chickens arent all the same, niether are cows or pigs or goats or ducks.  its easy to forget that each animal has individual qualities and characteristics when they are all cut up and packaged in nearly identical packages and preparations.  the fact that i had two yolks in one egg, reminded me that these chickens would have been special, twins.  we all have something unique, special.  those things give us our hum...

on silicon valley they invent a sort of way to store/compress files that sounds alot like blockchain to me, even though i have no grasp on how block chain really works either.  i get that its a tv show, but truth is stranger than fiction so maybe its allready out there.  basically all the users of thier app share chunks of like data.  so i think of services like tile, if you've heard of that.  its a network of users that are all access points to store, or in tile's case, a company that makes little tracking devices for things like your car keys, access points to locate your tile.  now i dont have access to actually view your tile device, but the app makes note of those tiles and the more people that are in proximity, the more accurate and likely you are to be able to retrieve your lost item.  actually, i think im wrong there.  here it goes again you lose your key with the tile on it.  you send a signal, from your phone with the app to put out a ...

i dont know what i do.  like at a party and someone ask "what do you do?" id probably say i work for the county, in road maintenance, snowplowing and making repairs within the county right of way.  thats what i do for my paycheck.  thats what consumes most of my time, thought and energy, whether i am on the clock or not.  i want to shut that world off.  i wish my work, or the thing that paid my bills wasnt a compartmentalized part of my life.  i actually want  my livelihood to be dependent, and unavoidable in all aspects of life.  i want to dream of getting to the things i love, that will provide my family.  how sad to loathe the thing that at least in the present is literally putting food on the table and roof overhead.  i want to be defined by that which i cannot live without, and compensated for things that are a joy to contribute to.  i want meaning and worth, challenges and rewards for my creativity in solving problems, improv...

i dont think having all the information available all the time is good for us.  we cant be good at everything.  we are supposed to be specialists.  now anyone with half a brain and youtube can get by faking their way through complex tasks and ideas with research they've done while taking a 4 wipe dump.  its lowering the bar for everyone.  there isnt a reward for dedicating your life to learning a skill anymore.  its all there.  its all spelled out and free for the taking.  value is being shifted to creative arts, as far as exclusivity of the craft goes, but monetization is falling, digital downloads and streaming are making these path less equitable as well.  i dont see a path in which we arent traveling towards more subsidies universal services coming from either governing bodies or the corporations that enslave us to feed themselves.  without out the unskilled, huddled masses, there is no need for inovation and improvement.  if we...

ive taken a lot a lot a lot of drugs in my life.  not illegal technically, i mean i drank and drove plenty times, and was drunk in public plenty times, but as far as "illegal" drugs, i only smoked weed twice and one time was in canada so i dont think it counted.  ive been popping pills my whole life, but my most mind altering drug use began somewhere around age 14 or 15 if i had to guess.  the first long term prescription drugs i was on was zoloft, and xanax, and to save lengthy boring explanations of the 23 or so following years, some combination of two drugs like those, and some others to mix it up a bit.  currently i take 8 pills a day.  all "mood altering."  but in the legal way, in the dumb down so im not scared to leave my house way.  well, most days it works.  anyway, i was thinking over my lifetime, how many pills have i swallowed?  even in the last 6 years on  my current drugs, ive taken 8 pills, 365 days per year, for a total ...

some jack sparrow quote like "crazy people dont know they are crazy, i know that i am crazy, er-go, i am not."  i butchered it but you get the gist.  i feel like the ego, or even the quest for control of it is like a dog chasing its tail.  i pride my self on being humble, but thats an oxymoron in itself.  being proud  of being humble.  well then i musn't be very much of either then.  i want admiration, and praise, but in the times its given, i blush and refuse it, i chase it away and dont believe that it is sincere or valid or accurate.  so many things i chase, i end up chasing away.  is the concept of constant improvement even attainable?  i think that to accept that even in theory it might be possible, we have to look in from a greatly increased perspective.  our improvement as we merge nearer and nearer to with technological intergration may just be the destruction of life as we  know it, but on a planetary scale, it may be ...

today is another day where i dont quite know what to write.  ive had a screwed up gross fungusy big right toe toenail since about 2001.  i remember when it started.  i was laying bricks a year or two out of high school at the time.  it was actually right around halloween, because i remember the house we were working on was very close to the house i grew up in, and i thought it to be somewhat ironic or at least quirky that i was rebuilding a chimney on a or about halloween at a house i had trick or treated at probably half a dozen times as a young child.   its wierd that i can remember that sort of detail.  strange things spark memories.  senses have something to do with it, but also linking, like this house and its proximity to a kind-of holiday and specific activities of my youth.  very often, well, not so often anymore becaus ei typically listen to podcasts when im driving now, but for a while i was listening to a lot of stand up comedy on...

so many things to do!  really, dont understand how,(or why) people with kids do it.  i compare myself to the best parts of people and cherry pick all these things we need to be to keep up.  its a good tool i guess, but its pretty unatainable.  i want the best of everyone ive ever met to be seen in myself, but in order for that to work id need infinite time to learn, perfect and implement skills that i quite honestly do not have the capacity to handle.  what is it about feeling busy?  its a way of feeling that makes me think i am missing out on something.  somehow, if i wasnt doing whatever it is im doing that is using my time, that i am inherently missing out on a better, more productive or fulfilling opportunity.  what is the desire to be productive, if you are even able to constantly improve, too what end?  where is the finish line, dead with an uncompleted list.  i want to focus on the present but from the second i wake up i am plann...

listened to some guy talk about affirmations and being specific with your self talk, labeling etc...  like, even though im a crap "writer", its something i aspire to be good at, or at least coherent and valuable in some shape or form.  so instead of saying, im trying to learn to write, i should just say, "I am a writer." which, is true i guess, you dont need to be good at something to be that thing.  i know a lot of people that suck at what they do, but they still are  that thing.  so, i am a writer.  cool.  i dont think its supposed to be some oprah winfrey secret say it and it'll come true thing, i think its more of a motivation.  its part of the journey.  anyone good at anything has to work.  if i say i am a writer, i will write.   i wont take time off, i'll hold myself accountable and over time, i'll get better.  maybe not to you, but it'll become easier to me, i cant get worse could i?  things happen accidentall...

this is a cliche subject, and at the same time, i assure you, it is not a humble brag.  my wife and i give to different charitable organizations, most on a recurring monthly payment, but a couple here and there as one time gifts.  over the years, a few of the organizations we have contributed to insist on filling our mailbox with the entrails of trees sacrificed for the greater good of feeding, clothing, educating or otherwise seeking help for their human co-habitants.  the nature of the recuring automatic payment is to set up, and forget.  this should be used to your advantage, but some organizations insist on reminding me on a weekly basis, that they are taking our hard earned gift, and squandering on junk mail.  i'm taking my charity elsewhere.  i understand a reminder 2-4 times a year, but you are killing your intake as you send me these reminders every week begging me to get frustrated enough to jump through the hoops youve put in place to cancel my au...

thinking about shifting my actual website, domain... i guess i dont even know what its called. but id imagine i could just have this blog linked into that site?  i think you have a domain....and wordpress would be the template that you plug content in to, which as of now im using google sites and just embedding this blog into that. i think.i dont know.  i dont feel like paying anything out of pocket as of yet, i allready pay the 12 bux a year for the domain name, but thats nothing.  to start getting into added monthly fees on a website that is basically a journal and not creating anything of actuall value i think would be silly. find a need and fill it.  so anyway wordpress sounds like it might be a good plan if i ever take time to sit down, research and understand the logistics of it all.  also, id need to actually learn to craft articles in a way that was succinct and pleasing to the eye, with pictures and graphs and affiliate links.  i was at kohls ye...

internet guy came yesterday, i watched the contractor bury a duct/conduit about 2 weeks ago, but the midco guy claims there isnt one there.  so i argued but ultimately bit by tongue so it wouldnt be all akward and lame.  he ran a cable across the lawn from the ped box to our house, drilled a hole through the wall, and plugged in a modem in our basement-basement.  he said they didnt schedule him enough time to help me pull a cable through my stupid conduit that i spent the last two days getting in specifically in time for him to be there.  so after he left, my wife and i spent another few hours actually  installing our internet.  still need to go to menards for a couple fittings to get the modem where i want it, but the hard work is done. for my troubles ill be billed a 100 dollar installation fee.  i really want to piss and moan and get the install fee removed, hell they should pay me!  he basically delivered a modem and some cable, i coulda got ...

i had therapy today and i told my dude that i started an online journal and i hope to someday figure a way to make money online.  i was too embarrassed to say that i've been binge listening to listen money matters podcast and have been frustratingly obbsessed with trying to think up passive revenue streams.  it was more in the context of, my job is making me crazy, and i need to find streams of income that dont require punching a clock for someone that has zero appreciation for the task you perform. we got our niece a lego set a week ago, it was really fun putting it together.  i liked dumping the packages out, then following the instructions step by step and having something cool from essentially nothing.  even more, i liked the process.  what kinds of work would that translate to in the real world?  i could see my self assembling widgets.  id make it competitive.  id want to be the fastest.  it would not quench my creativity or problem sol...

i was just up in the attic working on running the duct for our cable thats being hopefully installed tomorrow.  hot. its 100 degrees outside and the attic is an oven.  i feel like it wasnt very smart and by the time i had dead batteries in my old ni-cad recharable drill, i was ready to get out before i passed out up there.  i felt ok, hot yeah, but not much different than i do at work.  i had just finished a long hard day at work and an hour on the elliptical.  maybe not smart.  i freaked out once i got down drenched in sweat like i had jumped in a pool with my clothes on.  my wife seemed worried, and that made me more anxious. i got in the cold shower and it took my breath away so that didnt help as i started hyperventilating basically from the shock of cold water.  i though i was going to die for sure.  was thinking how dumb it would be to die getting internet half way ready to be installed.  my grave would say, "he died doing what he...

i need to figure out a way to earn money online.  not like click here to make money fast pyramid scheme stuff, but i really want to find something that people need and offer it.  i listened to a podcast about how even stupid niche crap that people would never go to a store or, even if they did, would never be viable in a fixed location as a fruitful venture to offer a good or service for a fee.  im paraphrasing what a million smart people have said before me, but i get it.  you can specialize in something that 1 in a million people need or want, and you have a massive audience only available through the internet.  i kind of enjoy writing, and i feel like i could fake some corporate-y sounding how to articles for people to read, with proper punctuation and spelling.  when i read articles it all seems like a scam anyway.  not a getting ripped off kind of scam, the info is probably accurate, or at least accurate in the writers experience, but the scam is ...

hot and humid today.  honestly doesnt bother me as much as it used to. maybe cause im not as fat.  it actually felt good walking to my car in the heat, even after the day outside working in it.  id really like to find something to do with my life.  not super pumped about anything.  i feel like i am trapped by my own neuroses.  none of this stuff i do has to be done, but i act as though the fate of the world hinges on my ability to fulfill these worthless time consuming tasks.  when i say trapped, it sounds bad, i mean, its not good but i think really just wish i had more time.  i try to be effecient, but it sometimes detracts.  im  trying to figure out a way actually to write this while im on the elliptical.  thats an entire hour of my day that is cognitively unproductive.  if i could knock out some journaling or bill paying or some other dumb stuff to save time later that'd be dope.  40 hour work weeks breed inefeciency...

we have centurylink internet right now and its remarkably reliable.  we've lived here for about 7 years and i can remember one, maybe two times it went out for a noticable length of time.  really like it for my wife who works from home.  the downside is, it's dsl, and we just got bumped up to 10mbps d/l, the fastest speed they offer.  so, from 4am-12pm, its fine for my wifes medical coding, when there is little draw on the network, but if i stay home from work andwant to watch netflix or something it slows her down and i get yelled at. lame.  also, when we want to watch tv at night, we average only 2mbps or so.  assuming this is a cumulative draw through the whole nieghborhood?  we dont do anything fancy really, just streaming which i get, eats bandwidth, but one device streaming and buffering sucks. so they are rebuilding our road, and midco came through and laid all new ductwork and im told thier network is all fiber.  now i assume its not fibe...

as many words you can think of that start with the letter "a"

memories are feelings we are either running to, or running from.  i cant paint a picture with my mind.  i can not put myself in a time or place and relive it accuratly enough to recreat the experience of being there.   if i have a good memory, a happy, joyful, or exciting time i like am reflecting on, i am remembering how good it felt.  i want to feel that feeling.  its chasing a high in a way.  its unattainable, to a degree.  it is hard to remember a positive experience and "re-feel" what it was like to be in that moment.  for me it is hard to even think right now of a happy time and try to go back as a thought experiment as i am writing this.  amusement parks keep coming to mind, but the thoughts are so vague.  it is far easier to look back on negative time, for lack of a better word.   if i think of the time we put our family dog down, if i focus.  i can bring back the tears.  i cant tell you how old i was ...

i missed a day.  that took less time than i thought it would.  oh well.  not going to make excuses.  moving on.  im just about through what will only end up bieng a 20 hour fast or so, shy of 24, which i try to do once a week.  got things to do and cant leave the house on an empty stomach anxiety gets to bad, or the anxiety of getting anxiety.... you know.  but 20 hrs is good.  expecially when it doesnt seem hard.  not physically, half way through workout last night i was fantasizing about scrambled eggs with veggies and cheese.  ice cream with melted peanut butter crossed my mind, but the eggs were getting me way more excited.  wierd how even if the body doest feel hungry, or lacking energy, the mind still craves the healthier option.  dont get me wrong, once the nutrition is in, the cravings go straight to the garbage food.  i have a person in my life that has tasked me with making decisions for them when they are unab...

theres a dog licking my toes right now.  dont worry its not super gross i got out of the shower and have clean feet, she likes to help me dry off or something.  i dont know if my dog loves me, but she sure makes me feel like she does.  not the toe licking, really that is kinda gross but for whatever reason she wants to do it so i let her.  is she trying to tell me that she loves me or is submissive or respectful? what about her smiles? there is definetly a smile on her face when i get home and wrestle with her.  at least, it looks like what we humans have all decided to call a smile.  does my dog do anything for a reason? am i projecting human traits onto an animal that has no clue why it does what it does?  for sure i am, but maybe dogs do feel like i feel.  if they dont, does it matter?  if my dog, Farley, has no clue what shes doing or why, but it make me feel loved, is that enough?  the feeling i get is real, she definetly makes me ...

tired today, in a kinda confused sort of way, like not very on the ball, a little more slow mentally than usual.  its weird when people point things out super blunt that when its a thing that youd keep quiet about and just let slide.  like, am i more startled that you wasted the breath to tell me your stupid anecdote about why i should do this inconsequential task your way, or am i offended that by explaining something so simple, youre basically telling me im a moron?   either way i dont get mad, i get sheepish and uncomfortable in my skin and give in anyway, doesnt seem worth the effort to argue or get bitchy over stupid things that get done whether you go from point a-b, or b-a.   i dont think i should swear anymore.  nothing against swearing, but its become a lazy way for me to talk.  its filler and it makes me sound stupid.  same as if i said "um" before every other word.  so.  i think i should tell people.  social contr...

on my way to work i was worrying what people might think if they read the words i type here.  would they laugh at my thoughts, perceive me as weak?  would the words in these pages be gone over with a fine tooth comb at some point, and be used against me?  It seems silly at this point to even ponder, much less worry that someone might actually read this, and a week in, as far as i can tell, no one has.  im the last few entries i like the ideas i have but once i start writing i get through one or two points and then i feel like the subject is already boring, usually before even getting to the part i had rehearsed in the shower earlier in the day.  i was talking about addictive habits in my life and i think im addicted to routine or something. work days are all identical.  wake up, yoga, pack the same lunch, say the same prayer, stop and get the same breakfast sandwhich on the way to work.  Drive home, cardio exercise, shower, make food while hair dries,...

first off, i want to talk about shame, and importantly, how a lack of shame is probably not a great thing.  so, with that in mind, realize the irony and even hypocricy is glaringly obvious to me as i post this in a public, open journal of all my stupid thoughts where im basically exercising a lack of shame on a hopefully daily basis.  i dont have any answers, but what i do know i have is an abundance of shame. embarrasment, insecurity, fear of judgement, desire to fit in, to measure up, to be seen as worthy or important,  these are all things i associate with when i say "shame."  when i started even writting this thing, it was a challenge to myself of these ideas of shame, to be honest, open, transparent and fearless.  probably no one will read it, but its out there.  even the title i chose, looking back, is shameful, poking fun at myself in a way that i am all but telling you, the reader, that this practice is self indulgent. moving on.  at the surfa...

i spend entirely too much time staring at screens.  yeah i know thats the cool thing to say now, and lately, rather than forcing myself to set the phone down or close the laptop, i've been trying to look into why i do what i do online, the motivations behind, the rewards i get, and apply these to search for opportunities in life that may be more beneficial that fit these reward systems i find online.  this may take awhile to, (i really want to say "unpack" here just because it;d amuse me, but i fear you may think im taking myself seiously) work through, so i decide im going to think on the biggest time waster on my phone.... games. there are three main games i play on my phone, and another 2 on the tablet we have perched on our elliptical machine.  The games i play on my phone that suck the most unproductive time, are not ironically classified as "idle games."  The games i specifically lean towards for the past 3-4 years, that hurts to say, are Office Space and...

i like mowing the lawn.  waiting for the dew to dry off the grass so i can get it before the real heat of the day.  they say you should try not to cut in the afternoon, to leave it till dusk so your lawn can recover while its cool and shaded at night.  i run the sprinklers if it gets hot, yes i realize some is evaporating, but i think the goal is to keep the soil cool?  maybe the water droplets on the leaves magnify the sun and it causes more damage than good.  i dont know.  and some might call it a waste of water.  is it?  we have a private well, and i always thought of water kind of like energy, it cant really be destroyed, just changes forms.   if i leave the water on for ever, it goes somewhere....some evaporates and condenses in the sky and falls as rain, dew, etc.  some soaks through the ground and feeds the plants which in turn put off more moisture yada yada yada.  the majority id guess filters its way back down throug...

its the fourth of july in america.  well everywhere i guess, but its important here.  it celebrates the united states' independence from england as far as i know.  as with all other holidays, its lost any anticipation since i quit drinking.  its nice to have a day off if you can get it, maybe buy a microwave on sale?  sit outside and get sunburned, watch movie marathons on basic cable, and pretend you want to see fireworks with your significant other.  no one wants to go, but at work tommorow your going to brag about where you went, how your seat was, how quickly you got outta there before traffic, and how the mosquitoes werent that bad once the sun when down.  so yeah, fuck you england! 

Gonna see how this works for the next couple posts.  Side note, my first 3 entries are entirely too long.  i wouldn't read them